Kaworu (kaworu_renritsu) wrote,

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Fic: Natsume Yuujinchou

Title: Nothing Like First
Author: kaworu_renritsu
Fandom: Natsume Yuujinchou
Pairing: Tanuma x Natsume
Rating: NC-17
Summary: It's a first for the both of them, in many ways.
Prompt: first time, experimentation - i like my body when it is with your body
Beta: littlebutfierce
Wordcount: ~3000
A/N: Erm, the title is awfully random, isn't it? I'm really bad at naming things ^^"

Their kiss is an awkward one, and Tanuma has to draw back when his nose bumps against Natsume's, mutters an apology after Natsume's nervous chuckle. Tanuma's heart is beating fast, more anxious than anything else, and he doesn't know what he is doing, not sure where to put his hands, or how to move, and his breathing stops when Natsume puts a hand on his cheek.

"Don't worry," Natsume says, and "it's all right." He's just being brave for Tanuma's sake, Tanuma knows. Natsume is just as scared of what is happening between them, maybe more so -- his pupils are dilating, eyes wide, and his brows crawl up and together for less than a second before Natsume schools his face back into a reassuring smile. But that moment is enough. Tanuma knows what he is seeing -- he's been watching Natsume long enough, learning the other boy's face, his expressions, learning to look for subtle changes. It's not so hard to see what Natsume feels, even if Tanuma still can't really see the world Natsume is living in.


It was one of those days -- calm and quiet, a few clouds floating in the otherwise clear sky, and gentle breeze ruffling their hair. Tanuma was sprawled on the grass with a tin of juice in his hand, immersed in his favourite pastime -- watching Natsume. To be honest, it was more of a guilty pleasure, making him feel like a stalker at times, but still Tanuma couldn't let go of this chance to get a little closer to the world he couldn't touch.

Natsume was looking at someone, a vague shadow Tanuma couldn't quite make out, nodding enthusiastically at something his companion was saying.

"But.... Yes, I see." Natsume was smiling. He often did, but this time it was a truly beautiful expression. His eyes were shining, the smallest wrinkles of happiness appearing in the corners. And the slightest rise in his cheeks made him look like an excited child.

Tanuma couldn't help a smile of his own. If only all Natsume's encounters with the youkai had been like this one -- light and easy, warm camaraderie apparent even though Tanuma couldn't see the other party. If only Tanuma could be part of this scene, sharing it with Natsume. His chest tightened for a moment.

Natsume looked at him, and Tanuma could see his brows rising for a fraction of a second, then there was a flick of worry, and then Natsume was smiling again, excusing himself to join Tanuma on the grass.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to abandon you," he said, and Tanuma felt only the slightest bit of guilt before smiling back.

"No, it's okay. It seemed fun," he said, and it was true. He was happy watching Natsume having fun. It should be enough.


Tanuma leans in for another kiss, and this time he almost makes it. His mouth lands on the corner of Natsume's, and they move, together, lips pressing against lips. Tanuma doesn't notice how tense he is until he relaxes, calming gradually after Natsume's sigh.

They're still on familiar territory -- nothing new in the slide of their lips against each other, or hands at waist and back. Tanuma's tugging at Natsume's shirt to pull the edge out of his trousers, sneaking under it to touch the skin on his back. It feels warm, and Tanuma presses closer to Natsume, drinking in this warmth.

Tanuma's heart continues to beat madly, but most of the worry has gone away. He knows how to kiss Natsume to prompt that small moan, stifled as soon as it tries to get out, Natsume's cheek heating against Tanuma's hand.

It hasn't always been like that. Just remembering how nervous they'd been at first makes Tanuma's heart beat even faster, and he gasps, out of breath. Natsume pulls away and searches his face for a moment, but Tanuma smiles, smooths the worried frown from Natsume's forehead with a finger. The corners of Natsume's lips tug up in answer , his eyes shining, and Tanuma can't resist it. He leans forward to drink in Natsume's smile.


"If you're sure." Natsume smiled at Tanuma, still genuinely happy. The breeze ruffled his hair, and before Tanuma could stop himself, he was sweeping a strand from Natsume's forehead, a finger trailing along Natsume's skin.

"I'm sorry," he said immediately, drawing his hand back. It wasn't wise at all to do something like that. It was one thing to bump Natsume's shoulder or drag him somewhere by an arm, but touching his hair, his forehead, felt different, closer, something a normal friend shouldn't do. He looked at Natsume warily.

Natsume's eyes were wide, and his mouth slightly open, but the next moment his expression softened, and he shook his head.

"It's okay," he said. He tucked his hair behind an ear, but it fell back onto his face.

Tanuma gulped, watching. He dared to brush the hair off again, and this time his hand stayed on Natsume's cheek, heating skin warming his palm. Natsume looked too adorable with pink blush on his face, and Tanuma closed his eyes for a moment, gathering his composure.

He hadn't even known he'd moved until Natsume's face blurred before his eyes, too close to focus on, and by then it was too late to stop. Tanuma leaned in the rest of the way until his lips brushed awkwardly against the side of Natsume's mouth.

Tanuma snapped back right away, his own eyes widening. What the hell was he doing? It was one thing to brush someone's hair from his face, but kissing Natsume? There was no way the other boy was going to say it was okay. More than that, Tanuma was sure Natsume was going to turn away in disgust, then smile at Tanuma in that strained, forced way, and that would be the end.

If only a miracle happened...


Apparently it did, and now Tanuma is kissing Natsume in earnest, his hand in Natsume's hair, massaging his scalp. Natsume sighs against his mouth, and Tanuma presses even closer, pushes against Natsume until they are lowered to the floor. Natsume's body tenses against his, but then his hands slide along Tanuma's sides, warm and not quite steady, and Tanuma shivers.

"Ticklish?" Natsume asks, breaking the kiss, but his lips are still close enough to brush against Tanuma's, their breath mingling.

Tanuma can't help a gasp before answering. "No," is all he manages to say, because his attention is far from forming coherent speech. He's more interested in the sensations in his lower abdomen every time Natsume touches him and the way his heart speeds up; Natsume's gasps and small moans, and the look on Natsume's face.

Natsume's expression turns to worry as his hands retreat slowly.

Tanuma touches Natsume's elbow, stopping the retreat. He smiles at the boy lying under him, hopes it is reassuring rather than the ball of nerves he is feeling inside.

"See for yourself," he says, and slides both hands along Natsume's sides, careful to make it slow, light -- just a few teasing touches. He's not sure if he's done it right, but then Natsume gasps and arches into his touch, and Tanuma does it again, just to watch Natsume's lips part and his eyes close in pleasure.

He is probably more affected by watching Natsume than Natsume himself by the touch. Tanuma gulps and then wriggles, his groin tightening. His trousers are getting uncomfortably tight, but instead of reaching for his own fly, Tanuma trails a finger along Natsume's belt.

"May I?" he asks, and Natsume gives him a small nod, his cheeks flashing.


The flush was the same back then, but the expression wasn't. Natsume was frowning, confused, but a moment later his eyes widened, and he raised a hand to touch his lips. Tanuma watched in horrified anticipation as Natsume trailed fingers along his lower lip, but a few moments later there was still no disgust.

Tanuma didn't dare hope for acceptance, but.... "Is it... okay?" he asked, pushing the words through the lump in his throat.

Natsume blinked at him, and Tanuma's heart sank when he didn't answer for a few seconds. Maybe the shock was too great to comprehend what was happening at the moment, and when Natsume was back to his senses, he'd.... Tanuma wasn't even sure what he expected Natsume to do, but it couldn't be anything good. Tanuma gulped, his mind feverishly searching for words to make it all right somehow. If it was even possible.

But then Natsume smiled. It was small and crooked, and as nervous as Tanuma felt, but still it wasn't the strained expression Tanuma had feared.

"It... is," Natsume said finally, and it sounded weird, like Natsume couldn't quite get his throat to work, but it didn't sound like a lie.

Tanuma let out the breath he hadn't even noticed he'd been holding. He still wasn't completely sure, but if he had even the slightest chance....

"Then, may I...?" he asked and reached a hand to touch Natsume's cheek, fingertips barely touching his face.

Natsume leaned into the touch, and Tanuma watched, mesmerised, his own hand against Natsume's skin. He'd never given too much thought about his own body, but the look of his own hand against Natsume's flushed cheek, the rougher texture against the smooth pink, wasn't something he was going to forget.

He snapped back to reality when Natsume called his name. Natsume was frowning again, but this time it looked more self conscious, and Tanuma mentally cursed himself for making Natsume worry.

"I'm sorry," he said, smiling awkwardly. "It's just...." He shook his head, unable to find the words, and when Natsume's frown deepened, Tanuma leaned in to kiss him again. Maybe his actions would speak louder than words.


Removing each other's clothes is a weird experience. The angle is wrong, and the belt buckles don't want to cooperate with the shaking hands, but finally they are both almost naked, only boxers between their skin. Tanuma's breath hitches as he sits astride Natsume's thighs, watching the rapid rise and fall of Natsume's chest. A few beads of sweat glint on the smooth skin, and Tanuma reaches a hand to touch it, spread a drop of moisture with a fingertip.

Natsume gasps, his skin quivering under Tanuma's touch, and Tanuma looks, amazed. He can't quite believe that it's him who's making Natsume react like this -- gasping, and writhing, and making those small sounds. Natsume is trying to swallow them, biting his lip and turning his head, and it makes Tanuma even greedier. He flattens a palm against Natsume's chest, strokes up to a collarbone, and it's him who has to stifle a moan when Natsume leans up, pressing further into the touch.

Tanuma slides his hand further, squeezing Natsume's shoulder, but it's Natsume who snakes an arm around his neck, tugging Tanuma down until their noses are almost touching. They pant together, their breath mingling, gazes locked, and Tanuma has to blink because Natsume's face is blurry, and then they are kissing again.

It's more intense than anything they've shared before -- skin slithering against skin, both of them pushing into each other, and Tanuma's mind is swimming. He needs something to grab onto, otherwise he'll be swept away completely. Natsume writhes against him, and Tanuma grabs both of Natsume's shoulders, holds on, and then one hand snakes down Natsume's arm, pauses to encircle a wrist -- slim and slightly bony under Tanuma's touch -- and further until their fingers are intertwined.


It felt a little stupid to be holding hands, but the warmth of Natsume's palm against his, the look of their fingers curled together was too enticing, and Tanuma couldn't quite make himself let go. Not that he had to -- the area was quiet, not a single soul in their field of vision, at least not anyone Tanuma could see. Natsume didn't seem bothered either, so the youkai were probably out of sight, too.

"What are you going to do when you get home?" Tanuma asked, because the silence was getting uncomfortable.

Natsume's brows rose a fraction, then he looked thoughtful. "I don't know," he said slowly. "Do homework probably?" He turned his head to smile at Tanuma. "You?"

Now Tanuma understood why Natsume had needed time to think. It was an easy question, but Tanuma's mind was anywhere but with his homework, so he had to concentrate before answering.

"The same, I think," he said, though Tanuma doubted he'd be able to concentrate. Just the thought of parting with Natsume when he finally got him made Tanuma nervous, like he'd wake up and discover it all had been a dream. He held Natsume's hand tighter, and Natsume squeezed back.

They walked on in silence, Natsume looking straight ahead, and Tanuma watching the ground move under his feet. Sneaking a peek at Natsume's face, he caught Natsume looking back from the corner of his eye. Tanuma felt his face heating, and there was an answering blush on Natsume's face, but then Natsume snickered, and a few moments later they were laughing together, standing in the middle of the road.

"We probably look like two awkward schoolgirls," Tanuma said once he was finally able to speak.

"We are," Natsume answered, his eyes still laughing. "Well, not girls obviously."

Tanuma shook his head.

They chatted the rest of the way, hands still clasped.

Still, when Natsume's home was in sight, Natsume fell quiet, his expression changing. "I guess that's it," he said, and there was a nervous note in his voice.

"I guess," Tanuma answered, turning to face Natsume. He started to lean in, but then stopped. Somehow it didn't feel right to kiss Natsume in front of his guardians' house.

Natsume looked into his eyes, searching, then leaned into Tanuma, so slowly, and put his head on Tanuma's shoulder. It probably didn't look any better than kissing, but still it made Tanuma feel easier. He put his cheek against Natsume's hair, enjoying the silky texture. They stayed like that for a few minutes, reluctant to move, until Natsume sighed.

"Then I'll be going?" Natsume murmured but didn't move an inch.

"Yes, you should." Tanuma raised his head, already missing the feel of Natsume's hair against his cheek.

Natsume raised his head, too, to look at Tanuma.

"See you tomorrow?" Natsume made a step back, his hand still in Tanuma's.

"See you," Tanuma answered with a small smile, letting go of Natsume's hand.


Tanuma squeezes Natsume's hand, anchoring himself, but still it's not enough. He feels dizzy, moving against Natsume, grinding their hips together, and he puts his head on Natsume's shoulder with a low groan. Natsume answers by wrapping his free arm around Tanuma's back, gasping and tossing his head from side to side.

Tanuma is close, and judging by the sounds Natsume is making, he must be, too. It should be fine like this, but still Tanuma wants more, something besides their bodies grinding against each other. He slips a hand between them -- not an easy task when they are so close -- and trails a finger along the waistband of Natsume's boxers, not sure if he should go any further. But Natsume is pushing against him, and Tanuma's fingers slip underneath the fabric, onto the smooth, sweaty skin, then to the edge of coarse curls.

The feeling is more startling than Tanuma expected, and he almost snatches his hand away, but Natsume gives another push, gentler, and Tanuma feels the vibrations of Natsume's moan, his own face pressed against Natsume's throat. His hand moves then, even before his brain processes what he's doing, and Tanuma wraps his fingers around Natsume.

It's a weird sensation -- familiar in a way, but the shape is different, and the angle is wrong. But Tanuma doesn't have enough time to think, because Natsume is bucking against him, his head thrown back. Tanuma gulps, looking at the lean column of Natsume's neck presented right in front of his face. He lowers his head, feeling stupid that he didn't notice it earlier, chances a soft lick. The salt of Natsume's skin and Natsume's shiver are almost too much, and Tanuma has to draw back, biting the inside of his lip to distract himself.

"Tanuma?" Natsume looks up at him, panting, his gaze not completely focused.

"I'm sorry. I'm..." Tanuma has to take a deep breath before he can continue. "I can't hold on," he says finally.

Natsume watches him a few more seconds before his expression softens in understanding.

"Me, too," he says, almost too quiet to hear, before tugging Tanuma down. "Together?"

Tanuma gulps then nods. He's not sure he can manage anything more coherent at the moment, because Natsume's words, along with the look on his face, have gone straight to his groin. Still, he manages to make his hands work. The one still holding Natsume's squeezes tight, his fingers digging into the back of Natsume's hand, and Natsume answers by doing the same. It's grounding, and Tanuma feels some of his control returning.

Tanuma's other hand slides further under the fabric of Natsume's boxers to give him a light squeeze. The reaction is instant. Natsume pushes into his hand with a loud gasp, looking completely lost in sensation, and Tanuma has to grind his teeth to hold on a little longer.

Natsume's hand on the front of his boxers is unexpected, and Tanuma almost jumps from the sudden touch, but it's welcome. Somehow they manage to push their underwear down and out of the way, and their hands curl around both of their erections. Tanuma looks, mesmerised, at the tangle of their fingers and erections, moving together, and the sight is hotter than the physical sensations shooting through his body. Before he knows it, he's coming, vision going white from intensity.

When Tanuma returns to himself, his first thought is of Natsume, but Natsume is panting with his eyes closed, his face relaxing slowly. That's all Tanuma needs to see at the moment, and he sighs in relief. He'll have more than enough time to worry later, but now he feels his eyes closing, and he barely manages to land beside Natsume, and not on top of him.


It's much later, and the breeze coming through the window is getting colder. Tanuma shivers before tugging a blanket tighter around his chest, but still he doesn't get under it properly -- half-lying, head propped on a palm. He woke up just a while ago, but he doesn't want to go back to sleep yet, doesn't want to miss a second of the sight before him.

Natsume is sleeping peacefully, sprawled on his back. The moonlight filtering through the curtains makes him look silver, unearthly, and the small smile on his otherwise relaxed face only adds to the impression. Tanuma reaches to brush a strand of hair off Natsume's forehead, more to feel the warm skin under his fingers, reassure himself that Natsume is real and alive, right here, beside him.

It feels familiar, and Tanuma feels the corners of his lips turn upward at the memory of the first time he'd brushed hair off Natsume's forehead. He was so scared back then, sure that he was going to lose Natsume for good, but here he is, in the same bed with the boy he can't stop watching.

Tanuma puts his hand against Natsume's chest, comparing the texture and the colour of their skin -- his hand is rougher and a shade darker, but Tanuma likes this difference. He likes the rise and fall of Natsume's chest, the way his own palm is tingling at the touch, and he likes the way their bodies align together when he settles down finally, too tired to stay awake. And before closing his eyes, Tanuma takes Natsume's hand.
Tags: fic, natsume yuujinchou

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